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Outline

OUTLINE:  Lover, Friend and Muse, Part One

Chapter one starts with Beatrice Schütler learning she has cancer and months to live.  Initially, she wants her best friend Jesse Barros near because she doesn’t want the bad news alone, but later chooses otherwise.  In fact, Beatrice decides to keep everyone in the dark, including her husband Sebastian.  Little white lies are necessary at this stage Beatrice reasons to herself.

In chapter two, a trio of dreams, recurring and unfinished, begin to trouble Beatrice.  She recalls what is most precious to her, Anna and Carina, her daughters, and renews her promise to protect them.  She talks of what the most important people in her life represent.  She also realizes Sebastian cannot be both parents.  “Who will help my husband raise my daughters?”

Chapter three sheds some light on what Beatrice is dealing with on a daily basis in conjunction with her diagnosis.  The completion of the first dream in the trio cause Beatrice to think Sebastian is being unfaithful and she searches for proof.  The breach of trust leads to a deeper understanding of Sebastian’s past and changes the course of her life; setting in motion a plan to protect her daughters and somehow find redemption.

At the instigation of the third dream in chapter four, Beatrice is motivated to act.  After considering all the “pieces”, Beatrice’s own style of chess is set.  Beatrice is not only one of the pieces, but she is a player as well.  Her elusive opponent is time.  Feeling outnumbered, Beatrice changes the rules and the objective of the game. In order to win at all costs, trust, lies, manipulation, devotion, and love all become pawns and are either necessary or disposable.

Chapter five gives the reader an opportunity to see some of Beatrice’s plans in motion. The once emotionally wounded Beatrice turns a corner and becomes the hunter instead of the hunted.  On vacation, the second dream violently comes to light; Beatrice stages an accident to finally inform Sebastian she has cancer.

Lastly, in chapter six, Beatrice must solicit the help of Ty Walker, Sebastian’s best friend. Ty and Sebastian have been friends for years.  Sebastian has also been the muse for at least one of Ty’s books and possibly more in life before Beatrice.  Ty’s devotion to her husband, his creativity and admiration by her eldest daughter leads Beatrice to think Ty is the perfect person to help Sebastian take care of both her children.

Will Ty accept Beatrice’s proposal?

Excerpt II

When the first dream of Anna was finally completed, Beatrice was devastated.

Anna was looking at herself in the bathroom mirror.  From the look on her face she wasn’t happy about something.

“Did you find them Anna?” Sebastian asked.

“Not yet!  Did you ask Carina if she has seen them?”Anna replied.

“Yes, I did, but she hasn’t seen them.”

“Then they have to be in my room somewhere.  I’ll keep looking.”

Anna then exited the bathroom and found Sebastian in her room. He was looking at her graduation dress.

“You are going to look so beautiful,” Sebastian said.

“Thank you daddy, but you have to leave now.  I am too nervous as it is.  I’ll find the earrings, I promise.”

Later, Anna picked up the dress and a box fell to the floor.  Beatrice tried to pick up the box for Anna but she couldn’t.  Her hand, not solid, could not grasp the box.  Again and again Beatrice tried with the same result.  But her hand passed right through the box.

Beatrice was a ghost hovering in the room and watching the scene from a distant plane.

She tried to speak but couldn’t.  Beatrice tried to touch Anna’s face but nothing—nothing.

In the midst of the dream, Beatrice’s ghost self started to cry.

The stark and painful realization she was dead was nothing compared to the next scene.

Suddenly, Beatrice was at the bottom of the stairs.  She was standing next to Sebastian waiting for Anna.  Sebastian had the video camera and was filming Anna as she came down.  The feeling was very strange to Beatrice.  She had always been the one to film such events for Sebastian.

As Anna descended, Sebastian and Beatrice both began to move back a step at a time.  Sebastian was right, Anna did look beautiful; and sparkling brightly on either side of her face, the diamond earrings.  Those earrings were the only thing of value Beatrice’s grandmother had given her mother.

Again, the tears of the ghost started.

“This is for you,” a voice said.

Whose voice had Beatrice heard?

She turned to see who was speaking and a figure moved through her and started approaching Anna.  Beatrice was frantic.  Why didn’t Sebastian try to prevent what she’d felt was a threat to their daughter?  Beatrice tried to grab the figure’s shoulders from behind but was unable.  Beatrice was as thin as the air and couldn’t prevent the figure, not just a simple figure but a woman’s, from presenting Anna with the flower extended to her.

Beatrice’s despair sank even further as Anna accepted the gift and moved forward to hug and kiss this woman.

Beatrice woke with the words “don’t you touch her” coming from her mouth.  Sebastian, too, woke up and asked her if she was “ok”.  She didn’t answer him.  She quickly rose and walked to Anna’s bedroom to find her sleeping soundly and still a child.

Her mind was in a muddle for days after that dream.  The more Beatrice thought about this other woman, the angrier she became.  Who was she?  And why did this other woman get to hug and kiss her daughter when she couldn’t?  This woman could do those things because Beatrice wouldn’t be there.

That was when the first thought of Sebastian having an affair entered Beatrice’s mind.

Previously, the jealousy was a simple matter of how she had felt when other women looked at her husband.  This was very different; it was a feeling of anger she had never experienced before.

Who was this woman?

Could Beatrice be so easily replaced?  Sebastian didn’t know what was happening to her.  How could he have found someone so quickly?  Granted, Anna was older in the dream but this woman was too familiar; the kind that took years to acquire.

Beatrice had been able to rationalize many things since the diagnosis: lying, hiding her meds, her own fears.  But this she had a hard time with.  This particular anger was more than irrational. Anna and Carina were her children.  She was irreplaceable.  She gave them life, fed them, bathed them, taught them, loved them….and some stranger was about to move in on what was hers.

Who?  And more importantly, when?

If this woman had only shown her face; if she’d made a simple turn so Beatrice could know who was to be her replacement.

She became even angrier.

The thought of another woman in her bed; with her children, hugging them, kissing them, almost consumed her.

For several nights afterwards, Beatrice was desperate to sleep.  She wanted more of the dream to materialize; she needed to see this woman’s face.  She wanted to see who was about to take what had been hers alone for years.

It was not to be.

The dream didn’t come.  Instead, Beatrice lay in bed for hours waiting for sleep to come.  Nothing!

For several days she was on edge with the thoughts of this woman.  And it showed.  She was short with Mary one morning.  She had even snapped at Sebastian.

“What’s wrong with you?  You shouted at me this morning, the other day at Mary, is there something you’d like to talk about?” Sebastian asked.

Are you having an affair?

Those were the words Beatrice had in her head but of course she didn’t ask.  She wasn’t prepared for directness then.

“I’m fine.  I’ll apologize to Mary, but I haven’t been sleeping well.”

“I’ve noticed.  You’ve never tossed and turned as much as you have in the past few nights.  Bad dreams again?” Sebastian casually inquired.

If he’d only known what a bad dream was.  A bad dream was when you dreamt you woke up with no hair or walked into a room full of people, naked.  This particular dream was the worst nightmare of Beatrice’s life.

To Beatrice’s knowledge, Sebastian and she had shared almost everything in life.  Good or bad, they’d trusted each other enough that the other would understand.  Now, that trust was rapidly evaporating on her part.  Each time Sebastian left on a trip, she began to wonder if he was meeting other women.  She’d even suspected his assistant, Dana.  Efficient, pretty and young, Dana had managed Sebastian’s schedule like a pit bull guarding a bone.  Dana understood Sebastian and his work.  Dana didn’t nag Sebastian about his children like she did.  Then Beatrice wondered how many times Dana had gone on trips with her husband.  She had guessed all, but wasn’t sure.

When Sebastian left on this last trip, Beatrice found herself going through some of his things.  She tried to tell herself it wasn’t intentional.  She was picking up after him.  But each item she put away questioned her.  As if she’d been the one who had left them out and they were asking “why”.

First, she went through Sebastian’s sock drawer.  Perhaps it had been a strange place to start but then she remembered why she started there.  The sock drawer was where her father had hidden money and things that were of value only to him.  Sebastian was nothing like her father.  Somehow she thought it was a universal hiding place for men; nothing there but socks.

If Beatrice had been discovered looking through Sebastian’s things she wasn’t sure she could have even said what it was she was looking for.  But she didn’t let that stop her.

Looking about their bedroom for the next place to search, she tripped on something she hadn’t seen in years.  Sebastian had left a pair of sandals at the foot of the bed.

Next, Beatrice went to their closet.  On Sebastian’s side of the closet there were five shoe boxes.  She was surprised because she didn’t think he owned five pairs of shoes.  The shoes weren’t in the boxes of course; they were scattered about the house.  A pair could be found at the front door and another at the back.  Not that Sebastian really wore shoes much to begin with.  On their honeymoon, Beatrice bought Sebastian a pair of beautiful leather sandals; the very ones she’d tripped on, and they looked almost new.  Barefoot was Sebastian’s preferred mode of dress, or undress to be more accurate.  In the summers, Sebastian’s feet would be dirtier than both their girls combined after having been outdoors most of the day.

The shoe boxes were neatly stacked one on top of the other.  There were no identifying marks other than perhaps the label of the shoe company.  Beatrice removed the boxes and sat on the floor in front of them, momentarily staring.  Her heart raced as she thought of the possibilities of what could be inside.  She wasn’t afraid.  She was actually excited.  She wanted to believe Sebastian was hiding something.  This could be the “something” she was looking for.

Then, Beatrice lifted the box on top, closed her eyes and removed the lid.  She thought closing her eyes might ease the shock of an unpleasant surprise.  When she opened them, she was almost embarrassed at what she had found.  The first box contained a single framed picture of Sebastian’s family.  They all looked so happy.  Sebastian and his brother must have been teenagers when it was taken.  The picture had to have been when Sebastian’s parents were still married.  His mother wore a smile that beamed with pride; his father, stern but relaxed looking.  Beatrice had only met Sebastian’s father a few times before they were married but the man always looked sad.  Even at their wedding, his father seemed to strain at producing a smile.

Beatrice’s mind was immediately flooded with questions.  Was this the last time Sebastian was happy with his family?  Was this photo of a single moment when he felt whole?  Why had he hidden it in the closet?  Why was it not on display?  Then she stopped there.

Obviously, the photo was a very important memory for Sebastian.  He’d told Beatrice of the pain the separation of his parents had caused him.  Beatrice had been thinking the worst of him.  She should have been embarrassed.  Maybe this was the only way Sebastian could move on and Beatrice was about to condemn him for some unknown reason. Something only she had felt and couldn’t control.  Beatrice had to get a hold of herself.  If she wasn’t careful, she’d drive herself crazy and for no apparent reason.

She replaced the box on top of the others and began to gather them up to put them back in the closet.  Was it really all that bad to see what was in the other boxes?  She thought to herself she’d rather be embarrassed.

So, Beatrice sat down again and removed the lid of the second box.

Inside she found five things.  There was a shoe, a barrette, a t-shirt from infancy, a piece of paper with one of Carina’s first attempts at drawing, and a recent photograph.  Sebastian had collected one particular item of significance to him during Carina’s life.  The first thought that went through Beatrice’s head was what meaning these items could have had for Sebastian.  With exception of the photograph, none of the other items were really specific.  They could have been from any child.  But Sebastian had kept them for some reason.

The third box was no different in terms of the childhood items other than it was Anna’s box.  The significance of one item in particular was unmistakably clear.  Sebastian saved a part of Anna’s cast from when she’d broken her arm.  He blamed himself for the accident that had caused the break.  Beatrice had tried to reassure Sebastian there was no way he could have controlled the fall anymore than he could control the weather.  But Sebastian’s guilt was not to be deterred.  While Anna wore the cast, Beatrice could see the disappointment on Sebastian’s face every time he looked at Anna.  Several months after the cast had been removed he finally accepted it was a simple accident.  And like Carina’s box, an item for each of Anna’s seven years.

The fourth box was Beatrice’s.  She knew it had to be.  The weight of it was slightly more noticeable; more years, more items.  Sebastian and Beatrice have been married, after all, for eleven years.  But what could Sebastian have hidden away that she hadn’t already.  Part of Beatrice’s self-imposed duties was to preserve as many family memories as possible.  One reason, among others, she’d taped the events Sebastian was not able to attend.

Hesitation hovered around Beatrice.  Her breathing quickened and for the first time she looked around the room to see if someone might have been watching.  Why did she hesitate?  What was the reason?  Like her memories, Sebastian’s had been a mixture of good and bad.  Those that were bad, in his mind, weren’t really.  So, the things in her box had to be good, no?  Beatrice didn’t close her eyes again but she removed the lid more slowly.

Positioned on top was something she didn’t even have.  Sebastian had saved the program from the conference where they’d met.  Beatrice sat in a chair, at a conference she didn’t want to attend, and it changed her life.

Next, a preserved flower Sebastian had picked on the trail where they’d been hiking the day he’d proposed to her.  On the days Beatrice had told Sebastian she was pregnant with their daughters, she’d written him notes.  He had both and pictures of her and their daughters in the hospital on the actual days of birth.

From their wedding day, one of the handkerchiefs made for the event.   The first gift she had ever given Sebastian, a leather bracelet.  Then, there was a small photo album of their first environmental trip working together.   Not surprisingly, dirt of some kind, who knows from where or when, and lastly an antique compass.

A tingling feeling near euphoria coursed through Beatrice as she studied each of the things Sebastian had so carefully preserved.  Each of them alone would not have been identifiable to anyone other than Sebastian and herself.  But Beatrice was more than happy to have a small glimpse into what Sebastian had considered important.

However, the state of happy euphoria she had been enjoying came to a full and stifled stop.

One more box remained.

Looking at the last box, a sense of doubt was coming to a close.  This time there was no hesitation.  Beatrice emphatically tore the last lid off the box with the determination of already knowing what was there.  The evidence she was looking for uncovered.

Inside, Beatrice found a small bottle of sand, like a sample, a hotel receipt dated before the time they’d met, several leaves laminated and perfectly conserved, a CD, some sort of seed, and a feather.

Each item in the other boxes had been a single memory of the past years.  Some of those things marked events, a trip, or perhaps something that had happened that was very special to Sebastian only.  Several of the items were unique to the three of them, his women Sebastian had once said; a part of Anna’s cast, Carina’s shoe or the lace handkerchief from their wedding day.

The last box was a mystery.  There was no way for Beatrice to identify who the person was.  The things in the box were nondescript and couldn’t be associated to anyone they currently knew.  She wasn’t able to draw the smallest conclusion.  The items couldn’t even be uniquely tied to Sebastian other than they were his way of remembering this person.

Who was it?

The things weren’t remotely feminine but that was the assumption Beatrice had made.

The first excerpt

Deception became a new way of life for Beatrice.

As she attempted to keep those around her from worrying, she had to let something go.  She wasn’t sure yet what that was so she chose to delay the truth.  There was only one way to keep them all in the dark until she could get a handle on what was going on.  She had to continue to lie.

Lying to everyone was the only way Beatrice felt she had some control over what was happening to her.  The doctor and she were the only ones who knew the whole truth about her illness.  And she lied about almost everything concerning herself.

To Jesse, Beatrice’s best friend, she lied about how she felt physically.  To Sebastian, her husband, she lied about what she was doing during the day.  Beatrice had even lied to her daughters, Anna and Carina, from time to time.  The justification of her lying to all of them was a way to protect them.  And the more she lied the easier it became.  The one thing she couldn’t escape lying about was her emotional state to herself.  No one was to ever see what she was truly feeling.  Beatrice wanted to keep feelings out of the equation.  If she wasn’t lying about something, she was hiding something.

Beatrice hid the medication she was taking for the fainting spells that might possibly occur.  The bathroom was out of the question.  So, she had to find a place Sebastian would never look and safe from the curious eyes of the housekeeper.  Her handbag was the only place she thought would serve both purposes.  Then she had to buy something that locked.  She couldn’t risk the girls getting their hands on her handbag and the medication.    The one thing she was most concerned about was if she hadn’t taken the medication.  What would happen if she fainted while driving the girls to school or while Sebastian was at home?  She couldn’t let that happen so she took the medication without fail.

But the fainting wasn’t the only symptom she was experiencing.

Some days Beatrice had to take long naps to have the energy to get through the evenings.  Only Mary, the housekeeper, knew this.  Mary had even asked Beatrice once if she was pregnant.  Beatrice laughed for a good half hour at this.  Then she wished it had been something so simple; allowing her to let go with the shrug of a shoulder or a laugh.

Oddly enough, Beatrice knew that as time marched on in all their lives, nothing in hers would ever be easy again.  Visions of dark paths, hard choices, unanswered questions and more lies was what she saw ahead.

Nightmares in which she could wake and have a different future, a different reality were what she’d hoped for.  She wished it had all been a good nightmare, to be honest, but it wasn’t.

Beatrice scheduled the doctor’s appointments for early mornings.  She’d drop the girls at school and then head to the doctor’s office.  Jesse was the only one who knew about Beatrice’s visits to the doctor but Jesse would never talk to Sebastian.  Jesse had given Beatrice her word.  Besides, Sebastian rarely spoke to Jesse.  He’d thought Jesse was arrogant and pompous.

“I don’t know what you see in her.  I have trouble finding one redeeming quality in her,” Sebastian once said.

Jesse was the only one Beatrice could talk to about some of her new life.  Even though Jesse disagreed with Beatrice as to how she was handling all this.  The truth of the matter was she didn’t really want Jesse’s advice.  Beatrice needed Jesse to be a sounding board.  Jesse might have been arrogant and pompous to others but listened to Beatrice. What were friends for?  And now, Jesse was devoted to Beatrice more than ever.  The little secret they’d shared was perfect for the curious mind of Jesse, the journalist.  Finally, Beatrice had become the “story” Jesse would be a part of from the beginning.  For Beatrice, Jesse had become the confidant who would be able to answer certain questions later on.

There was one significant consequence, however.  Beatrice’s deception made her suspicious of others.  And Beatrice began to doubt the one person closest to her, Sebastian.

It wasn’t only Beatrice’s deception that started this; the cancer was to blame as well.  Or so she wanted to believe.  But before the diagnosis, she had not had such a trio of recurring dreams.  There was no reason to think she wouldn’t have been there for the important days in her daughters’ lives; the death of her parents had been reasonably dealt with; and the happiest dream of the three had been a welcomed addition.  Still, Beatrice struggled with what were her own insecurities versus what the cancer was doing to her.

As she regularly debated as to where the fault should fall, the dreams became a big part of her life during the day.  She found herself thinking about them far too much.  In fact, the questions of the nature of the dreams, why now, and what they meant were as common as the question of what was for dinner.  The more Beatrice tried to find answers the more she came up with nothing.

Then it all changed.

And just as quickly as the dreams had started, one by one they began to resolve themselves.  Beatrice had not been prepared for the resolutions.  But how could she have prepared for any particular nightmare?

When the first dream of Anna was finally completed, Beatrice was devastated.

Lover, Friend and Muse to be published

GONE

Dear Friends and family,

My dream has come true.  Lover, Friend and Muse will be released in October.  In the coming months I will be posting excerpts and would love to hear from you.